Travel Woes: The 5 Worst People on the Plane

25 Apr

While traveling alone recently, I noticed that many people don’t seem to have a good grasp on airplane etiquette. Sure, everyone knows how to act so that they don’t seem too suspicious (let’s be real, terrorist-like), but beyond that it seems to be a free for all (a flaw of public transportation). Even worse, when you’re alone you have no control over what whackadoodle might be your seat mate for the remainder of your journey. In my experience, these are the five types of people that when you see them coming, you pray they continue down the aisle (or have boarded the wrong plane):

 

  1. Miss Overly Friendly
  • Sitting next to a stranger on an airplane for an extended amount of time can, admittedly, be a tad awkward. So making comments about the delayed flight, asking where the other person is going, etc, can be considered friendly small talk. But be careful, because it’s a slippery slope from affable stranger to creepy stalker. Sure, I don’t mind sharing a little, but I’m not trying to give you the notes for my biography (or the necessary knowledge to kidnap and/or kill me). So take a hint, if your neighbor puts in headphones or pulls out reading material, back off (and if it’s SkyMall, it’s a desperate plea for privacy, cause no one buys that shit).

 

  1. Smelly Food Man
  • I will never understand the need to bring an entire meal onto an airplane, especially one consisting of ingredients that smell like B.O. I mean come on, we are all in a confined space (coffin-like some might say) for hours on end, and you can’t exactly crack a window at 20,000 feet. No one wants to sit next to the guy sweating onions (or worse), so do us all a favor and either eat before you board or suck it up and subsist on airplane peanuts until your next layover.

 

  1. The Crying Baby
  • Ok it’s a little unfair to blame the baby, but really there is nothing more obnoxious than the unescapable wailing of an infant (I’m pretty sure it’s like the 7th circle of hell). So instead, let’s focus on the parent who insists on flying their newborn across the country (I’m sure there’s a great reason). But really, if you must bring that crying carryon, please have a full proof way to dismantle that ticking time bomb (pacifiers, toys, hell whiskey for all I care) cause otherwise there won’t be enough parachutes to go around (and a fresh diaper wouldn’t hurt either).

 

  1. Miss Sniffles
  • Traveling while sick is frowned upon, but some people insist on doing it anyway. So when I see tissues and a runny, red nose I instinctively want to run the other direction (it just screams, I have bird flu and you can too!). Not only is the prospect of catching that unknown disease displeasing, but the incessant sucking of snot is like Chinese water torture. Let’s admit it, no one wants to be cooped up with a glorified petri dish, so  figure out a way to keep your germs to yourself (or fly another day).

 

  1. Rude Guy
  • The opposite of overly friendly is the ridiculously rude, and one is just as bad as the other. Whether you’re shoving through the aisles like Moses parting the Red Sea or just being an ass to the flight attendants, I don’t want to be associated with you. So do as you’re told, turn off your electronic devices (I doubt they’re going to take down a 747, but Lord knows the plane won’t take off until you do), buckle your seatbelt, and put on a happy face. Everyone knows traveling can be stressful, but that doesn’t give you the right to be a douche.

 

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