Tag Archives: job search

The Job Search: call it Purgatory, but it sure feels like Hell

23 Apr

I apologize for my hiatus, but I have spent the last couple of weeks in job search hell and the stress left me utterly uncreative in the blogging department. As a new grad, I have found job searching to be soul sucking. It makes you feel like you’re getting picked for dodgeball while competing in a beauty pageant when you happen to be the fat, uncoordinated kid with acne, braces, and a lisp (ok dramatic, but it SUCKS). After making it to the final round of multiple interviews just to get the old heave-ho at the end, I figured I would share (aka bitch about) the nightmarish process that is finding a job:

Step 1: The Black Hole

  • Also known as the internet, this is where your resume goes to die. Its true, the online application truly has revolutionized the job search. It allows you to see the thousands of available jobs out there, while also solidly making sure none of them are within you’re reach (unless you are extremely overqualified, but my B.A. doesn’t stand for Burger Artist). It’s like going to the aquarium as a kid, all the cool shit is behind a thick piece of glass; sure you can see all the great whites and killer whales, but all you get to touch are the lame ass star fish in the tide pool. I will give internet applications this, at least it saves the countless trees that our unseen resumes would have wasted if they needed to be thrown in actual trashcans (environmental and efficient!).

Step 2: Leg Work

  • Also known as networking, it is an essential part of the job search process (and the only part that I have found even remotely fruitful). You know how people say, “It’s all about who you know”? well it is, and who they know, and who they know, and who they know. After begging your boss’ husbands’ uncles’ goddaughter to take a teensy peak at your resume you’ll probably feel like the hooker on the street corner hawking her wares (work it gurl! but hey, they also say, “The ends justify the means”).

Step 3: The Goldilocks Complex

  • If you are lucky enough to get an interview, it doesn’t get much better. HR people are goldilocks (aka fickle pricks) when it comes to choosing a person to fill a position. Whether you are too hot (overqualified) too cold (under qualified) or just right (can check off every last goddamn box on their check list) you still might not get the job cause that bitch likes her porridge with cinnamon. With the number of job seekers far outweighing the number of jobs, people aren’t willing to take chances on potential, they want you to be able to do the job already (and if you can do it while standing on your head, even better).

And so if you are like me you have repeated this process over and over, even though you went to a good school, graduated with honors, had multiple unpaid internships during college (aka the new form of slave labor), and have wonderful references, but are settling for yet another internship (paid this time, thank god) after months of job searching. Fingers crossed I will be one of the chosen ones to land a full time gig after this internship (if not, the McDonald’s arches really compliment my eyes).

P.S. If you have the power to hire me, check out my LinkedIn.

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Signs You Shouldn’t Pursue a Career as…

2 Apr

As children we all dreamed of what we would be when we grew up. Some of these aspirations may have proven less plausible as we aged, (goodbye princess dreams 😦 ) while others we ruled out based on simple necessity (hell no I can’t smell like garbage). But even the most common career aspirations can be foiled by qualities you might not think of at first. Here are some sure fired signs you probably shouldn’t pursue a career as:

A Doctor

  • If you still laugh at the names of body parts or bodily functions. If you can’t say penis, vagina, or diarrhea without laughing, this may not be the career for you.
  • If as a child you would do anything to avoid a shot (throw a tantrum was my fave) and to this day still look the other way (if not run) when you see a needle coming. If you are too scared to get poked, I’m not sure poking other people for a living will be your thing.
  • If the sight of blood or injuries makes you nauseous, dizzy, or plain old drop over. Time spent fighting to overcome your body’s natural responses might be better spent becoming something involving a little less gore (like an accountant).

A Law Enforcement Officer

  • If you have ever turned off the lights and then immediately sprinted up the stairs or are constantly throwing back the shower curtain in fear of what could be behind it. Imaginary bad guys are a lot less scary than real ones.
  • If you hated playing hide and go seek as a child because you were too nervous waiting to being found, you might not have the stomach for the grown up version that involves guns.
  • If you have ever cried (or come close to peeing your pants) when someone jumps out to surprise you, you would probably shoot just about anyone (and everyone) on the job.

A Teacher

  • If you can’t help swearing like a sailor (especially when frustrated), molding young minds might not be for you.
  • If you have a poor immune system, those little germ factories known as children might put your life in jeopardy, so you might want to look elsewhere for future employment.
  • If you have trouble giving driving directions, try explaining calculus.

A Lawyer

  • If your typical arguments end with throwing things (or fists flying) then you might not have a cool enough head for a courtroom.
  • If the only reason you want to be a lawyer is because you love watching Law & Order marathons, you might not be on the right track.
  • If you still resort to name calling as your primary form of argumentation (you doodiehead), you might not have the verbal reasoning skills for law (or you might just be 5).

 

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