Travel Woes: The 5 Worst People on the Plane

While traveling alone recently, I noticed that many people don’t seem to have a good grasp on airplane etiquette. Sure, everyone knows how to act so that they don’t seem too suspicious (let’s be real, terrorist-like), but beyond that it seems to be a free for all (a flaw of public transportation). Even worse, when you’re alone you have no control over what whackadoodle might be your seat mate for the remainder of your journey. In my experience, these are the five types of people that when you see them coming, you pray they continue down the aisle (or have boarded the wrong plane):

 

1. Miss Overly Friendly

• Sitting next to a stranger on an airplane for an extended amount of time can, admittedly, be a tad awkward. So making comments about the delayed flight, asking where the other person is going, etc, can be considered friendly small talk. But be careful, because it’s a slippery slope from affable stranger to creepy stalker. Sure, I don’t mind sharing a little, but I’m not trying to give you the notes for my biography (or the necessary knowledge to kidnap and/or kill me). So take a hint, if your neighbor puts in headphones or pulls out reading material, back off (and if it’s SkyMall, it’s a desperate plea for privacy, cause no one buys that shit).

 

1. Smelly Food Man

• I will never understand the need to bring an entire meal onto an airplane, especially one consisting of ingredients that smell like B.O. I mean come on, we are all in a confined space (coffin-like some might say) for hours on end, and you can’t exactly crack a window at 20,000 feet. No one wants to sit next to the guy sweating onions (or worse), so do us all a favor and either eat before you board or suck it up and subsist on airplane peanuts until your next layover.

 

1. The Crying Baby

• Ok it’s a little unfair to blame the baby, but really there is nothing more obnoxious than the unescapable wailing of an infant (I’m pretty sure it’s like the 7th circle of hell). So instead, let’s focus on the parent who insists on flying their newborn across the country (I’m sure there’s a great reason). But really, if you must bring that crying carryon, please have a full proof way to dismantle that ticking time bomb (pacifiers, toys, hell whiskey for all I care) cause otherwise there won’t be enough parachutes to go around (and a fresh diaper wouldn’t hurt either).

 

1. Miss Sniffles

• Traveling while sick is frowned upon, but some people insist on doing it anyway. So when I see tissues and a runny, red nose I instinctively want to run the other direction (it just screams, I have bird flu and you can too!). Not only is the prospect of catching that unknown disease displeasing, but the incessant sucking of snot is like Chinese water torture. Let’s admit it, no one wants to be cooped up with a glorified petri dish, so  figure out a way to keep your germs to yourself (or fly another day).

 

1. Rude Guy

• The opposite of overly friendly is the ridiculously rude, and one is just as bad as the other. Whether you’re shoving through the aisles like Moses parting the Red Sea or just being an ass to the flight attendants, I don’t want to be associated with you. So do as you’re told, turn off your electronic devices (I doubt they’re going to take down a 747, but Lord knows the plane won’t take off until you do), buckle your seatbelt, and put on a happy face. Everyone knows traveling can be stressful, but that doesn’t give you the right to be a douche.

 

Sassy Saying of the Day 4/23

When everything goes wrong, remember Eric Matthews’ words of wisdom.

The Job Search: call it Purgatory, but it sure feels like Hell

I apologize for my hiatus, but I have spent the last couple of weeks in job search hell and the stress left me utterly uncreative in the blogging department. As a new grad, I have found job searching to be soul sucking. It makes you feel like you’re getting picked for dodgeball while competing in a beauty pageant when you happen to be the fat, uncoordinated kid with acne, braces, and a lisp (ok dramatic, but it SUCKS). After making it to the final round of multiple interviews just to get the old heave-ho at the end, I figured I would share (aka bitch about) the nightmarish process that is finding a job:

Step 1: The Black Hole

• Also known as the internet, this is where your resume goes to die. Its true, the online application truly has revolutionized the job search. It allows you to see the thousands of available jobs out there, while also solidly making sure none of them are within you’re reach (unless you are extremely overqualified, but my B.A. doesn’t stand for Burger Artist). It’s like going to the aquarium as a kid, all the cool shit is behind a thick piece of glass; sure you can see all the great whites and killer whales, but all you get to touch are the lame ass star fish in the tide pool. I will give internet applications this, at least it saves the countless trees that our unseen resumes would have wasted if they needed to be thrown in actual trashcans (environmental and efficient!).

Step 2: Leg Work

• Also known as networking, it is an essential part of the job search process (and the only part that I have found even remotely fruitful). You know how people say, “It’s all about who you know”? well it is, and who they know, and who they know, and who they know. After begging your boss’ husbands’ uncles’ goddaughter to take a teensy peak at your resume you’ll probably feel like the hooker on the street corner hawking her wares (work it gurl! but hey, they also say, “The ends justify the means”).

Step 3: The Goldilocks Complex

• If you are lucky enough to get an interview, it doesn’t get much better. HR people are goldilocks (aka fickle pricks) when it comes to choosing a person to fill a position. Whether you are too hot (overqualified) too cold (under qualified) or just right (can check off every last goddamn box on their check list) you still might not get the job cause that bitch likes her porridge with cinnamon. With the number of job seekers far outweighing the number of jobs, people aren’t willing to take chances on potential, they want you to be able to do the job already (and if you can do it while standing on your head, even better).

And so if you are like me you have repeated this process over and over, even though you went to a good school, graduated with honors, had multiple unpaid internships during college (aka the new form of slave labor), and have wonderful references, but are settling for yet another internship (paid this time, thank god) after months of job searching. Fingers crossed I will be one of the chosen ones to land a full time gig after this internship (if not, the McDonald’s arches really compliment my eyes).

P.S. If you have the power to hire me, check out my LinkedIn.

You Know You’re Starting to Get Old When…

1. You start using the expression “Back in my day…” or “When I was a kid…” when you talk about the way you grew up (but seriously do cell phone contracts come with birth certificates these days?)
2. You can no longer eat whatever you want without gaining weight (like WTF metabolism)
3. When spending the rest of your life with one person seems like a good idea (that’s a long damn time).
4. There are websites devoted to the nostalgia of your childhood. (The “You know you’re a 90s child if…” is only cool for so long before it get’s sad)
5. You no longer know what shows are popular on Disney Channel or Nickelodeon (even worse your favorite shows are on Nick at Nite)
6. You no longer find young Hollywood hotties attractive (Justin Beiber I’m looking at you, I still think you look like a lesbian)
7. You can no longer be on The Real World (or are running out of time, sad face)
8. A crazy night includes a bottle of wine and catching up on your DVR
9. You complain about the noise level in bars, clubs, concerts, etc. (you’re really old if you’re the person who wears ear plugs)
10. You no longer have any good birthdays to look forward to (it’s all down hill after 21…I mean at 25 you can rent a car? Woo hoo?)
11. When pregnancy is no longer frowned upon, but expected (somehow kids go from a burden to a blessing after being a teenager).

Sassy Saying of the Day 4/2

Words of Wisdom. Be Awesome.

Signs You Shouldn’t Pursue a Career as…

As children we all dreamed of what we would be when we grew up. Some of these aspirations may have proven less plausible as we aged, (goodbye princess dreams 😦 ) while others we ruled out based on simple necessity (hell no I can’t smell like garbage). But even the most common career aspirations can be foiled by qualities you might not think of at first. Here are some sure fired signs you probably shouldn’t pursue a career as:

A Doctor

• If you still laugh at the names of body parts or bodily functions. If you can’t say penis, vagina, or diarrhea without laughing, this may not be the career for you.
• If as a child you would do anything to avoid a shot (throw a tantrum was my fave) and to this day still look the other way (if not run) when you see a needle coming. If you are too scared to get poked, I’m not sure poking other people for a living will be your thing.
• If the sight of blood or injuries makes you nauseous, dizzy, or plain old drop over. Time spent fighting to overcome your body’s natural responses might be better spent becoming something involving a little less gore (like an accountant).

A Law Enforcement Officer

• If you have ever turned off the lights and then immediately sprinted up the stairs or are constantly throwing back the shower curtain in fear of what could be behind it. Imaginary bad guys are a lot less scary than real ones.
• If you hated playing hide and go seek as a child because you were too nervous waiting to being found, you might not have the stomach for the grown up version that involves guns.
• If you have ever cried (or come close to peeing your pants) when someone jumps out to surprise you, you would probably shoot just about anyone (and everyone) on the job.

A Teacher

• If you can’t help swearing like a sailor (especially when frustrated), molding young minds might not be for you.
• If you have a poor immune system, those little germ factories known as children might put your life in jeopardy, so you might want to look elsewhere for future employment.
• If you have trouble giving driving directions, try explaining calculus.

A Lawyer

• If your typical arguments end with throwing things (or fists flying) then you might not have a cool enough head for a courtroom.
• If the only reason you want to be a lawyer is because you love watching Law & Order marathons, you might not be on the right track.
• If you still resort to name calling as your primary form of argumentation (you doodiehead), you might not have the verbal reasoning skills for law (or you might just be 5).

 

Sassy Saying of the Day 4/1

Take a chill pill and laugh about it. Be happy.

 

Get a Better Workout by Incorporating Crossfit Basics

Crossfit is all about functional movements that challenge multiple muscle systems to improve overall fitness, so it is a great way to get in shape. Joining an actual Crossfit gym, however, can be very pricey. I’m here to tell you that you don’t need to join an official Crossfit gym (or commit to the Crossfit lifestyle) to incorporate some of these exercises into your workout. Here are some Crossfit staples that you can do at your gym (or even at home with a few pieces of inexpensive equipment):

1. TABATA

TABATA is a version of high intensity interval training regularly used in Crossfit because of its ability to improve both cardio and strength training simultaneously. TABATA can be employed with any exercise (squats, running, push ups, etc) since it is a method of interval training. TABATA involves 8 cycles of 20 seconds at 100% effort, followed by 10 seconds of rest (for a total of 4 minutes of work). All you need is a stop watch to start incorporating TABATA training into your normal workouts!

2. Burpee

I will admit that burpees are pretty much the bane of my workout existence, but man are they effective. Burpees are basically a full body workout in one move (and the best part is it requires no equipment, so you can do this move anywhere). You start by standing, then drop down into a pushup position, touch your chest to the ground, then pop back up into a standing position and jump into the air (the movement should be completed in one fluid motion, no breaks between steps!). Burpees can easily be incorporated into your normal workout (and trust me you’ll feel them afterward). For an extra challenge try a round of TABATA burpees.

3. Box Jump

The box jump is another easy, yet effective, Crossfit move (if you can jump you can do it). All you need is a box (or another level, steady surface). A good height for women is about 20 inches (24 inches for men), but if you feel like you got the ups, feel free to challenge yourself. Once you have your box set up, you simply stand with both feet together, swing your arms, and jump up onto the box (make sure you stand up straight on top of the box for a complete rep). It may seem simple, but trust me you’ll be feeling the burn after a couple sets. Try completing 10 box jumps every minute on the minute (or EMOM in Crossfit lingo) for 8 minutes for a great box jump workout.

make sure to stand up completely on top of the box!

4. Wall Ball

The wall ball combines both leg and shoulder work for a multiple muscle system workout. The only equipment you need to complete a wall ball is a medicine ball and a sturdy wall you feel comfortable bouncing a ball off of. The weight of your medicine ball will depend on your level of fitness (I started with a 10 lb. ball and now regularly use 14 to 20 lbs. depending on the number of reps I will complete). To complete a wall ball, hold the medicine ball in both hands, complete a squat, and at the top of the squat throw the ball as high as you can against the wall. You then catch the ball as it comes down and as you catch the ball complete another squat (this should be one fluid movement). The throwing and catching combined with the squat movement constitutes one rep. Try completing 21, 15, and 9 reps with rest in between each set for a great wall ball workout.

 

5. Kettlebell Swings

Kettlebell swings target your legs, abs, and arms, while also producing a great cardio workout. An actual kettlebell is the easiest equipment to use, but a dumbbell can also be used to complete this exercise. Again, the weight of the kettlebell (or dumbbell) will depend on your level of fitness (15 lbs is a good place to start, I regularly use 26 lbs). The motion begins by holding the kettlebell with both hands, you then swing the kettlebell between your knees (at the bottom of this motion you should be in a full squat position), then swing the kettle bell up to eye level (or above). A full swing from bottom to top is one rep (again one fluid motion). Make sure to keep your head up and squat down, rather than bending your back, while completing the motion to avoid injury. Try completing 10, 8, 6, 4, 2 reps with rest in between sets for a good kettlebell set as an addition to your workout.

Hopefully these exercises help add some variety into your workout (and help you reach your workout goals). What are some of your favorite full body workouts? Have you tried incorporating Crossfit moves into your normal workouts?