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Hints He isn’t “The One”

26 May

So you’ve just started dating, and he seems great. He’s putting his best foot forward because you just met, but don’t let him trying to impress you blind you from the truth. Keep an eye out for these red flags, because if he’s guilty of them in the beginning, it’s only going to get worse sister.

 

Unemployed

“It’s a tough economy,” “I’m holding out for my dream job,” whatever the excuse, eventually you gotta bite the bullet and get a damn job. So here’s the rule: 25+ and he should have a job (even better, a big boy job, not making lattes at Starbucks). If you’re younger than him you might think it’s cool at first because he can hang out all the time; it’s not, it’s pathetic. If he seems to lack direction and can’t commit to a regular job, good luck getting him to commit to you.

 

Rude

Basic manners are essential. If you never hear him utter please or thank you to strangers, he’s inconsiderate. If he treats waiters like they aren’t human beings, he’s a dick. If he doesn’t treat his parents with respect, he’s just an asshole. Any of these (and other rude behavior) are deal breakers. I don’t care if he treats you like a princess, he will eventually start treating you like everyone else, which is shitty (so don’t waste your time).

 

Bad Hygiene

It’s one thing to be not so fresh after a loaf of garlic bread, it’s another if you feel like you’re constantly kissing an armpit. A lack of basic hygiene (like brushing your teeth) does not bode well. If he can’t take care of himself, you don’t want to be the one who has to do it. It’s not that hard to brush your teeth or take a shower, like it’s a minimal time commitment. Bad hygiene is the expiration date on your relationship.

 

These are just the bare minimum basics, feel free to be much pickier (you deserve it).

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When Technology Bites You in the Ass

15 May

I love technology. I’m a total twenty-first century girl: I feel naked without my cell phone, I incessantly check Facebook, and I tweet every time I think of something remotely clever. But with love comes dependence, and with dependence comes a paralyzing inability to function without the technological advances to which we have become accustomed. And here lies the problem. What happens when technology turns on you? Cause it will, one way or another. Whether it’s the power going out or your key card door malfunctioning and locking you out while you are taking out the trash, leaving you inappropriately dressed in the freezing cold without your keys, phone, money or anything useful, all while your stove is on (not like that’s happened to me). So it got me thinking, as technology increases, what are we losing? Here are a few ways our dependence on technology is crippling us:

  •  We’re helpless

Case in point: We no longer memorize phone numbers. So when we lose our phones or they run out of battery (and it isn’t exactly a 911 emergency) our inclination is to assume the fetal position and wait for it all to end.

  • We’re beyond impatient.

If something doesn’t happen within a tenth of a nanosecond people get their panties all in a bunch. We have become so accustomed to instant gratification that anything less is unacceptable. Patience may be a virtue but now is wow!

  •  We’re getting stupider

Sometimes I think that without Google we would have the collective knowledge of a goldfish. But I mean when Kim Kardashian’s ass is growing a mile a minute who has time to pick up a book and learn something?

  •  We’re insatiable

“We want more, we want more, like we really like it, we want more.” Wiser words have never been said; someone get that girl a Nobel Prize (or at least a juice box or something).

I will admit I am as guilty as the next girl. So let’s try to remember that we have brains that worked just fine for thousands of years before Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. If not, when the computer’s fail and the lights go out, at least we’ll all go up in flames together.

Travel Woes: The 5 Worst People on the Plane

25 Apr

While traveling alone recently, I noticed that many people don’t seem to have a good grasp on airplane etiquette. Sure, everyone knows how to act so that they don’t seem too suspicious (let’s be real, terrorist-like), but beyond that it seems to be a free for all (a flaw of public transportation). Even worse, when you’re alone you have no control over what whackadoodle might be your seat mate for the remainder of your journey. In my experience, these are the five types of people that when you see them coming, you pray they continue down the aisle (or have boarded the wrong plane):

 

  1. Miss Overly Friendly
  • Sitting next to a stranger on an airplane for an extended amount of time can, admittedly, be a tad awkward. So making comments about the delayed flight, asking where the other person is going, etc, can be considered friendly small talk. But be careful, because it’s a slippery slope from affable stranger to creepy stalker. Sure, I don’t mind sharing a little, but I’m not trying to give you the notes for my biography (or the necessary knowledge to kidnap and/or kill me). So take a hint, if your neighbor puts in headphones or pulls out reading material, back off (and if it’s SkyMall, it’s a desperate plea for privacy, cause no one buys that shit).

 

  1. Smelly Food Man
  • I will never understand the need to bring an entire meal onto an airplane, especially one consisting of ingredients that smell like B.O. I mean come on, we are all in a confined space (coffin-like some might say) for hours on end, and you can’t exactly crack a window at 20,000 feet. No one wants to sit next to the guy sweating onions (or worse), so do us all a favor and either eat before you board or suck it up and subsist on airplane peanuts until your next layover.

 

  1. The Crying Baby
  • Ok it’s a little unfair to blame the baby, but really there is nothing more obnoxious than the unescapable wailing of an infant (I’m pretty sure it’s like the 7th circle of hell). So instead, let’s focus on the parent who insists on flying their newborn across the country (I’m sure there’s a great reason). But really, if you must bring that crying carryon, please have a full proof way to dismantle that ticking time bomb (pacifiers, toys, hell whiskey for all I care) cause otherwise there won’t be enough parachutes to go around (and a fresh diaper wouldn’t hurt either).

 

  1. Miss Sniffles
  • Traveling while sick is frowned upon, but some people insist on doing it anyway. So when I see tissues and a runny, red nose I instinctively want to run the other direction (it just screams, I have bird flu and you can too!). Not only is the prospect of catching that unknown disease displeasing, but the incessant sucking of snot is like Chinese water torture. Let’s admit it, no one wants to be cooped up with a glorified petri dish, so  figure out a way to keep your germs to yourself (or fly another day).

 

  1. Rude Guy
  • The opposite of overly friendly is the ridiculously rude, and one is just as bad as the other. Whether you’re shoving through the aisles like Moses parting the Red Sea or just being an ass to the flight attendants, I don’t want to be associated with you. So do as you’re told, turn off your electronic devices (I doubt they’re going to take down a 747, but Lord knows the plane won’t take off until you do), buckle your seatbelt, and put on a happy face. Everyone knows traveling can be stressful, but that doesn’t give you the right to be a douche.

 

You Know You’re Starting to Get Old When…

4 Apr

  1. You start using the expression “Back in my day…” or “When I was a kid…” when you talk about the way you grew up (but seriously do cell phone contracts come with birth certificates these days?)
  2. You can no longer eat whatever you want without gaining weight (like WTF metabolism)
  3. When spending the rest of your life with one person seems like a good idea (that’s a long damn time).
  4. There are websites devoted to the nostalgia of your childhood. (The “You know you’re a 90s child if…” is only cool for so long before it get’s sad)
  5. You no longer know what shows are popular on Disney Channel or Nickelodeon (even worse your favorite shows are on Nick at Nite)
  6. You no longer find young Hollywood hotties attractive (Justin Beiber I’m looking at you, I still think you look like a lesbian)
  7. You can no longer be on The Real World (or are running out of time, sad face)
  8. A crazy night includes a bottle of wine and catching up on your DVR
  9. You complain about the noise level in bars, clubs, concerts, etc. (you’re really old if you’re the person who wears ear plugs)
  10. You no longer have any good birthdays to look forward to (it’s all down hill after 21…I mean at 25 you can rent a car? Woo hoo?)
  11. When pregnancy is no longer frowned upon, but expected (somehow kids go from a burden to a blessing after being a teenager).

Signs You Shouldn’t Pursue a Career as…

2 Apr

As children we all dreamed of what we would be when we grew up. Some of these aspirations may have proven less plausible as we aged, (goodbye princess dreams 😦 ) while others we ruled out based on simple necessity (hell no I can’t smell like garbage). But even the most common career aspirations can be foiled by qualities you might not think of at first. Here are some sure fired signs you probably shouldn’t pursue a career as:

A Doctor

  • If you still laugh at the names of body parts or bodily functions. If you can’t say penis, vagina, or diarrhea without laughing, this may not be the career for you.
  • If as a child you would do anything to avoid a shot (throw a tantrum was my fave) and to this day still look the other way (if not run) when you see a needle coming. If you are too scared to get poked, I’m not sure poking other people for a living will be your thing.
  • If the sight of blood or injuries makes you nauseous, dizzy, or plain old drop over. Time spent fighting to overcome your body’s natural responses might be better spent becoming something involving a little less gore (like an accountant).

A Law Enforcement Officer

  • If you have ever turned off the lights and then immediately sprinted up the stairs or are constantly throwing back the shower curtain in fear of what could be behind it. Imaginary bad guys are a lot less scary than real ones.
  • If you hated playing hide and go seek as a child because you were too nervous waiting to being found, you might not have the stomach for the grown up version that involves guns.
  • If you have ever cried (or come close to peeing your pants) when someone jumps out to surprise you, you would probably shoot just about anyone (and everyone) on the job.

A Teacher

  • If you can’t help swearing like a sailor (especially when frustrated), molding young minds might not be for you.
  • If you have a poor immune system, those little germ factories known as children might put your life in jeopardy, so you might want to look elsewhere for future employment.
  • If you have trouble giving driving directions, try explaining calculus.

A Lawyer

  • If your typical arguments end with throwing things (or fists flying) then you might not have a cool enough head for a courtroom.
  • If the only reason you want to be a lawyer is because you love watching Law & Order marathons, you might not be on the right track.
  • If you still resort to name calling as your primary form of argumentation (you doodiehead), you might not have the verbal reasoning skills for law (or you might just be 5).

 

What People Need to Stop Doing on Social Media (Immediately)

31 Mar

Everyone makes the mistake of following someone annoying on Twitter or friending the wrong person on Facebook (some of these people might, unfortunately, be your real friends). If you want to avoid being the most annoying person on social media, start following these simple suggestions:

1. Stop Posting Stupidly

Whether your grammar is atrocious (how people graduate middle school without being able to distinguish between their, there, and they’re is beyond me) or you just don’t think before you post, you should know it is incessantly obnoxious to follow stupid people. So brush up on your grammar and reread that post for mistakes before you publish it, (it’s 140 characters, like really, it doesn’t take that long) or suffer the consequences of displaying your inadequacies to the entire world. (P.S. if you don’t notice these mistakes, you’re part of the problem). Case in point, Ryan Lochte, you’re as dumb as you are pretty, making it impossible to follow you on Twitter (I’ll stick to pictures, those are worth the thousands of words he can’t even begin to pronounce #JEAH).

 2. Stop Begging for Attention

Plain and simple, no one likes an attention whore. Talking about your boobs or begging people to hang out with you on Twitter is just down right pathetic. We all know you have issues, there is no need to spell it out. Cure your case of TMI by not posting every thought that pops into that silly little head of yours.

3. Stop Kidding Yourself

Let me tell you, those song lyrics aren’t fooling anyone (we all know that they are directed at someone). But if you don’t have the balls to say what you’re feeling outright, then just don’t bother. This whole subtweeting thing needs to stop pronto (like really who talks behind people’s backs on a public forum? p.s. #oomf is no better).

4. Stop Being Overly Opinionated

Whether you just LOVE Jesus, or think babies should be born holding handguns, repeatedly touting your opinions like you’re the second coming is obnoxious. Sure, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but there’s also a reason people say opinions are like assholes. Whether you are the one constantly spouting off at the mouth or replying by bashing people’s opinions, it’s annoying. I love an intelligent debate, but let’s admit that this rarely happens on social media (and keep your radical beliefs to yourself).

Everyone makes the mistake of breaking these rules once in awhile (to err is human) but seriously keep it to a minimum people, unless you want to be unfollowed, blocked, or unfriended.

Do you agree with these rules? What do you think is the most annoying social media habit?

Suggestions for Surviving Winter Weather

16 Mar

grumpy penguin

Well, it’s March and where I live it’s still freezing, snowing, and down right miserable. All of you lucky bastards in places where it never gets cold need not waste your time reading. For all the climately challenged, if you are like me, winter is a tad torturous and you would prefer to make like a bear and hibernate until it’s over. As good as a four month nap sounds, it would kind of interfere with, you know, life. But, as the winter weather continues to drag on, and the lust for warmer weather can’t be quelled, here are a few suggestions for fending off the stir craziness (or just crazy ways to pass the time until it is bearable to step outside again):

1. Buy a heated mattress pad

My heated mattress pad has basically been my savior this winter. Instead of slipping into a glorified slab of ice at night, your bed is preheated to tropical temperatures. On those days when getting out of bed is just not an option, crank that baby up, close your eyes, and try really hard to pretend you are laying in the hot sand somewhere fabulous.

2. Make the most of the sun

On those rare sunny winter days (what a tease), rouse up your inner child and play pretend. Grab your sunglasses and hop in the car for a make believe summer drive. Although it might be unbearable to put your windows down, turn your heat up full blast for a faux wind-in-the-hair effect. It’ll be just like summer because you’ll be sweating in no time.

3. Indulge in summer cocktails

Nothing screams warm weather like a frozen margarita (or daiquiri or pina colada). So invite some friends over, (since festively drinking alone is no way to cure SAD, seasonal affective disorder for the acronym impaired) plug in your blender and go to town. A few sex on the beach cocktails have been known to take the chill off.

When all else fails, face the facts and buy a parka. These walking sleeping bags are your best option to defend against all winter related weather. Buck up and bundle up, but don’t stop praying to mother nature for imminent reprieve from this icy hell.

Suggestions for Dealing with a Difficult Roommate

14 Mar

We all have had, or know someone who has had, THAT roommate. You know the one: they make Lindsay Lohan look sane, Cruella de Vil look considerate, and live like they are expecting Hoarders to show up any minute. They drive you crazy; constantly borrowing your clothes without asking or leaving dirty dishes in the sink or are always, somehow in the process of doing laundry in your very small living area, and (insert your personal pet peeve here) the list goes on.

When living with someone difficult, there is a thin line between peaceful cohabitation and trying to figure out where to hide the body of your aforementioned roommate. For some reason screaming incoherently about empty ice trays leads to a tense living situation. So the only way to avoid jail time is learning to cope.

Here are some suggestions of ways to (passive aggressively) deal and satiate your need for justice until you move the EFF out:

1. Leave Reminders

If face to face confrontation just ain’t your thang, resort to writing helpful reminders. You don’t want to come off like a psycho bitch, so when you’re head is exploding with CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT, resort to writing notes like: Could you please put your dishes away 🙂 and Please put your shoes in your room!! While on the surface these messages seem friendly, your roommate will read them with the bitchy, condescending undertone with which they were intended (excessive smiley faces and exclamation points really hammer home the sarcasm).

2. Eat meals together

And by together I mean you and your roommate’s food. Hey, your roommate said you can share her food or borrow something if you run out? Take her at her word. Say goodbye to that last Oreo and good luck making a sandwich with only one piece of bread, sucka.

3. Play Games

Nothing says roommate bonding like a good game, and Hide and Go Seek is a classic. Say your roommate constantly leaves her entire closest worth of shoes by the front door. Take one shoe from each pair and hide them somewhere in the apartment. Let the game begin! (Endless possibilities as the game can be replicated with almost any belonging)

If your roommate catches on to your tactics, or confronts you about your behavior, show her what it looks like when someone really loses it by referring her here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2244233/Kayla-Ashlyn-Bonkowski-19-poisoned-roommates-iced-tea-bleach-argument-dirty-dishes.html. (She should get the point).

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