My Worst Personality Trait

14 Jun

So the other day, someone I follow on Twitter quoted a tweet from someone he follows and it popped up on my timeline. It said “Ladies and gentlemen, I have joined the 20th century and purchased an iPhone.” My head immediately wanted to explode. If you don’t know what part of that statement is heinously incorrect, please stop reading and brush up on your history (or just google “what century are we in?” and prepare to feel incredibly stupid). I mean, c’mon you should know what century you live in. It isn’t like it changes that often (every 100 years, I pray to god you all knew that though).

Now, unlike most normal, functioning human beings, I could not keep my indignation over this girl’s ignorance to myself. Now, keep in mind I AM NOT FRIENDS WITH THIS GIRL. I am pretty sure we have never spoken in person, making my response completely inappropriate, but oh so satisfying:

I just couldn't help myself

I just couldn’t help myself #droppingknowledge

Notice my deadpan response with a lack of hahas, lols, or emoticons (I don’t find her statement funny, my response though, I find hilarious). My lack of self-control combined with my intolerance for stupidity and my outrageous sense of humor will probably get me in trouble someday. I admit it. My name is Sierra, and I am a smart-ass (know-it-all, wise-ass, smart-aleck, they all apply). It is probably my worst personality trait.

I also happen to be a Sagittarius, so I at least I can blame it all on cosmic alignment.

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Hints He isn’t “The One”

26 May

So you’ve just started dating, and he seems great. He’s putting his best foot forward because you just met, but don’t let him trying to impress you blind you from the truth. Keep an eye out for these red flags, because if he’s guilty of them in the beginning, it’s only going to get worse sister.

 

Unemployed

“It’s a tough economy,” “I’m holding out for my dream job,” whatever the excuse, eventually you gotta bite the bullet and get a damn job. So here’s the rule: 25+ and he should have a job (even better, a big boy job, not making lattes at Starbucks). If you’re younger than him you might think it’s cool at first because he can hang out all the time; it’s not, it’s pathetic. If he seems to lack direction and can’t commit to a regular job, good luck getting him to commit to you.

 

Rude

Basic manners are essential. If you never hear him utter please or thank you to strangers, he’s inconsiderate. If he treats waiters like they aren’t human beings, he’s a dick. If he doesn’t treat his parents with respect, he’s just an asshole. Any of these (and other rude behavior) are deal breakers. I don’t care if he treats you like a princess, he will eventually start treating you like everyone else, which is shitty (so don’t waste your time).

 

Bad Hygiene

It’s one thing to be not so fresh after a loaf of garlic bread, it’s another if you feel like you’re constantly kissing an armpit. A lack of basic hygiene (like brushing your teeth) does not bode well. If he can’t take care of himself, you don’t want to be the one who has to do it. It’s not that hard to brush your teeth or take a shower, like it’s a minimal time commitment. Bad hygiene is the expiration date on your relationship.

 

These are just the bare minimum basics, feel free to be much pickier (you deserve it).

16 Wildly Successful People Who Majored in English – Yahoo! Finance

18 May

To all those people who called my major worthless (and every time I may have thought it myself) here’s proof that you can be successful and be an English major:

16 Wildly Successful People Who Majored in English – Yahoo! Finance.

Now I just need to figure out how to get my name on this list…

When Technology Bites You in the Ass

15 May

I love technology. I’m a total twenty-first century girl: I feel naked without my cell phone, I incessantly check Facebook, and I tweet every time I think of something remotely clever. But with love comes dependence, and with dependence comes a paralyzing inability to function without the technological advances to which we have become accustomed. And here lies the problem. What happens when technology turns on you? Cause it will, one way or another. Whether it’s the power going out or your key card door malfunctioning and locking you out while you are taking out the trash, leaving you inappropriately dressed in the freezing cold without your keys, phone, money or anything useful, all while your stove is on (not like that’s happened to me). So it got me thinking, as technology increases, what are we losing? Here are a few ways our dependence on technology is crippling us:

  •  We’re helpless

Case in point: We no longer memorize phone numbers. So when we lose our phones or they run out of battery (and it isn’t exactly a 911 emergency) our inclination is to assume the fetal position and wait for it all to end.

  • We’re beyond impatient.

If something doesn’t happen within a tenth of a nanosecond people get their panties all in a bunch. We have become so accustomed to instant gratification that anything less is unacceptable. Patience may be a virtue but now is wow!

  •  We’re getting stupider

Sometimes I think that without Google we would have the collective knowledge of a goldfish. But I mean when Kim Kardashian’s ass is growing a mile a minute who has time to pick up a book and learn something?

  •  We’re insatiable

“We want more, we want more, like we really like it, we want more.” Wiser words have never been said; someone get that girl a Nobel Prize (or at least a juice box or something).

I will admit I am as guilty as the next girl. So let’s try to remember that we have brains that worked just fine for thousands of years before Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. If not, when the computer’s fail and the lights go out, at least we’ll all go up in flames together.

The 13 Creepiest Things A Child Has Ever Said To A Parent

12 May

As a tribute to Mother’s Day, I give you “The 13 Creepiest Things A Child Has Ever Said To A Parent,” cause let’s face it, kids are weird. Thanks to all those Mom’s out there that have put up with our weirdness and love us for it (or in spite of it).

The 13 Creepiest Things A Child Has Ever Said To A Parent.

Travel Woes: The 5 Worst People on the Plane

25 Apr

While traveling alone recently, I noticed that many people don’t seem to have a good grasp on airplane etiquette. Sure, everyone knows how to act so that they don’t seem too suspicious (let’s be real, terrorist-like), but beyond that it seems to be a free for all (a flaw of public transportation). Even worse, when you’re alone you have no control over what whackadoodle might be your seat mate for the remainder of your journey. In my experience, these are the five types of people that when you see them coming, you pray they continue down the aisle (or have boarded the wrong plane):

 

  1. Miss Overly Friendly
  • Sitting next to a stranger on an airplane for an extended amount of time can, admittedly, be a tad awkward. So making comments about the delayed flight, asking where the other person is going, etc, can be considered friendly small talk. But be careful, because it’s a slippery slope from affable stranger to creepy stalker. Sure, I don’t mind sharing a little, but I’m not trying to give you the notes for my biography (or the necessary knowledge to kidnap and/or kill me). So take a hint, if your neighbor puts in headphones or pulls out reading material, back off (and if it’s SkyMall, it’s a desperate plea for privacy, cause no one buys that shit).

 

  1. Smelly Food Man
  • I will never understand the need to bring an entire meal onto an airplane, especially one consisting of ingredients that smell like B.O. I mean come on, we are all in a confined space (coffin-like some might say) for hours on end, and you can’t exactly crack a window at 20,000 feet. No one wants to sit next to the guy sweating onions (or worse), so do us all a favor and either eat before you board or suck it up and subsist on airplane peanuts until your next layover.

 

  1. The Crying Baby
  • Ok it’s a little unfair to blame the baby, but really there is nothing more obnoxious than the unescapable wailing of an infant (I’m pretty sure it’s like the 7th circle of hell). So instead, let’s focus on the parent who insists on flying their newborn across the country (I’m sure there’s a great reason). But really, if you must bring that crying carryon, please have a full proof way to dismantle that ticking time bomb (pacifiers, toys, hell whiskey for all I care) cause otherwise there won’t be enough parachutes to go around (and a fresh diaper wouldn’t hurt either).

 

  1. Miss Sniffles
  • Traveling while sick is frowned upon, but some people insist on doing it anyway. So when I see tissues and a runny, red nose I instinctively want to run the other direction (it just screams, I have bird flu and you can too!). Not only is the prospect of catching that unknown disease displeasing, but the incessant sucking of snot is like Chinese water torture. Let’s admit it, no one wants to be cooped up with a glorified petri dish, so  figure out a way to keep your germs to yourself (or fly another day).

 

  1. Rude Guy
  • The opposite of overly friendly is the ridiculously rude, and one is just as bad as the other. Whether you’re shoving through the aisles like Moses parting the Red Sea or just being an ass to the flight attendants, I don’t want to be associated with you. So do as you’re told, turn off your electronic devices (I doubt they’re going to take down a 747, but Lord knows the plane won’t take off until you do), buckle your seatbelt, and put on a happy face. Everyone knows traveling can be stressful, but that doesn’t give you the right to be a douche.

 

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Sassy Saying of the Day 4/23

23 Apr

Sassy Saying of the Day 4/23

When everything goes wrong, remember Eric Matthews’ words of wisdom.

The Job Search: call it Purgatory, but it sure feels like Hell

23 Apr

I apologize for my hiatus, but I have spent the last couple of weeks in job search hell and the stress left me utterly uncreative in the blogging department. As a new grad, I have found job searching to be soul sucking. It makes you feel like you’re getting picked for dodgeball while competing in a beauty pageant when you happen to be the fat, uncoordinated kid with acne, braces, and a lisp (ok dramatic, but it SUCKS). After making it to the final round of multiple interviews just to get the old heave-ho at the end, I figured I would share (aka bitch about) the nightmarish process that is finding a job:

Step 1: The Black Hole

  • Also known as the internet, this is where your resume goes to die. Its true, the online application truly has revolutionized the job search. It allows you to see the thousands of available jobs out there, while also solidly making sure none of them are within you’re reach (unless you are extremely overqualified, but my B.A. doesn’t stand for Burger Artist). It’s like going to the aquarium as a kid, all the cool shit is behind a thick piece of glass; sure you can see all the great whites and killer whales, but all you get to touch are the lame ass star fish in the tide pool. I will give internet applications this, at least it saves the countless trees that our unseen resumes would have wasted if they needed to be thrown in actual trashcans (environmental and efficient!).

Step 2: Leg Work

  • Also known as networking, it is an essential part of the job search process (and the only part that I have found even remotely fruitful). You know how people say, “It’s all about who you know”? well it is, and who they know, and who they know, and who they know. After begging your boss’ husbands’ uncles’ goddaughter to take a teensy peak at your resume you’ll probably feel like the hooker on the street corner hawking her wares (work it gurl! but hey, they also say, “The ends justify the means”).

Step 3: The Goldilocks Complex

  • If you are lucky enough to get an interview, it doesn’t get much better. HR people are goldilocks (aka fickle pricks) when it comes to choosing a person to fill a position. Whether you are too hot (overqualified) too cold (under qualified) or just right (can check off every last goddamn box on their check list) you still might not get the job cause that bitch likes her porridge with cinnamon. With the number of job seekers far outweighing the number of jobs, people aren’t willing to take chances on potential, they want you to be able to do the job already (and if you can do it while standing on your head, even better).

And so if you are like me you have repeated this process over and over, even though you went to a good school, graduated with honors, had multiple unpaid internships during college (aka the new form of slave labor), and have wonderful references, but are settling for yet another internship (paid this time, thank god) after months of job searching. Fingers crossed I will be one of the chosen ones to land a full time gig after this internship (if not, the McDonald’s arches really compliment my eyes).

P.S. If you have the power to hire me, check out my LinkedIn.

You Know You’re Starting to Get Old When…

4 Apr

  1. You start using the expression “Back in my day…” or “When I was a kid…” when you talk about the way you grew up (but seriously do cell phone contracts come with birth certificates these days?)
  2. You can no longer eat whatever you want without gaining weight (like WTF metabolism)
  3. When spending the rest of your life with one person seems like a good idea (that’s a long damn time).
  4. There are websites devoted to the nostalgia of your childhood. (The “You know you’re a 90s child if…” is only cool for so long before it get’s sad)
  5. You no longer know what shows are popular on Disney Channel or Nickelodeon (even worse your favorite shows are on Nick at Nite)
  6. You no longer find young Hollywood hotties attractive (Justin Beiber I’m looking at you, I still think you look like a lesbian)
  7. You can no longer be on The Real World (or are running out of time, sad face)
  8. A crazy night includes a bottle of wine and catching up on your DVR
  9. You complain about the noise level in bars, clubs, concerts, etc. (you’re really old if you’re the person who wears ear plugs)
  10. You no longer have any good birthdays to look forward to (it’s all down hill after 21…I mean at 25 you can rent a car? Woo hoo?)
  11. When pregnancy is no longer frowned upon, but expected (somehow kids go from a burden to a blessing after being a teenager).
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Sassy Saying of the Day 4/2

2 Apr

Sassy Saying of the Day 4/2

Words of Wisdom. Be Awesome.

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